ACKNOWLEDGING AND WORKING THROUGH GRIEF AND LOSS DURING THE PANDEMIC

We are a nation in mourning. In February, we passed the landmark of 500,000 deaths in the U.S. due to the effects of COVID-19. That’s half a million people who died. Add to that the nearly three million people who died of other causes over the past year. Those are staggering statistics, but they aren’t the whole picture. In addition to our grief for loved ones who have died, we are grieving for a way of life. We grieve for the ability to gather with groups of friends, family or even strangers to collectively celebrate special occasions, to console each other, to be entertained, to be educate, and to just enjoy being together. We grieve for the traditions we could not practice or that were changed so much they were barely recognizable. We grieve for the sense of safety and ease with which we used to be able to move about in our daily lives and in our communities. We grieve for the lives that were taken because of the color of their skin. We grieve for the loss of our national self-image as a democracy sustained through the peaceful transition of power. We grieve for the failure of daily life to measure up to our expectations of how it should be.

Just as loss is a part of life, grief is a part of life – but the grief we are experiencing now is not ordinary grief. It is complex, compounded by the multiple layers of loss we have experienced over the past year. Our grief has been de-legitimized by political and cultural leaders who tell us that its causes are a hoax, that COVID-19 is no worse than “a bad flu” and restrictions unnecessary. Our grief is simultaneously intensified and de-legitimized every time that a review board or jury determines makes an official decision that the use of deadly violence was “justifiable.” It is prolonged grief as we don’t yet know when the losses will stop.

Those of us who have not experienced a “big” loss such as the death of a loved one or having to close down a business that couldn’t sustain itself, might feel a little shame at times for how upset we were over not being able to take the trip we wanted or to throw a big party. These disappointments seem trivial by comparison but are nonetheless losses. The cumulative effect of all the cancellations, indefinite postponements, and other disappointments weighs us down with a heavy sense of weariness.

Grief experts tell us that the first task of mourning is to accept the reality of the loss. In normal times, we have cultural traditions, such as funerals, that help us to confront the reality of a loss. But these aren’t normal times. For the past year, many of us have not been able to participate in these rituals. Due to health-related restrictions, funerals have been restricted to only the closest friends and family. Other losses that we’ve experienced don’t readily come with a ritual or ceremony for recognizing the loss.

It is not unusual for a person in the early stages of mourning to experience a sense of non-reality about the loss. We might have thoughts that there must have been a mistake, it couldn’t be true that this happened. The non-reality shows up in those brief lapses of memory when we go to share our good news with our loved one before remembering that we can’t because they aren’t here anymore. It sometimes tricks us into seeing random strangers on the street and thinking we recognize them as our loved one who died. This same sense of non-reality, coupled with the relative invisibility of the virus itself, is what leads us to a false sense that maybe the risk isn’t as bad as the officials say it is.

We must accept the reality of the losses that we’ve suffered and allow ourselves to grieve for those losses. By recognizing that we are in mourning, we help ourselves to have a context for understanding what we are experiencing and to have compassion for those around us who are mourning their own losses.

Every day you hear people talking about their eagerness and impatience to “get back to normal.” This is another common grief reaction. It is natural to want to feel normal again. Change pushes us out of our comfort zones. Some changes (ones that are wanted or ones that come in small enough doses) are relatively easy to adapt to; others are more jolting.

As more people get vaccinated, as restrictions are lifted, and as schools and businesses reopen, we need to recognize that we won’t be returning to life exactly as it used to be. We can’t just pick up where we left off before COVID-19 came into our lives. Loved ones who died are not going to come back.

ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT THE LOSS(ES)

We must start by recognizing that a loss has occurred and that the loss is permanent. This sounds a whole lot simpler than it is. Some of the losses are more obvious than others. Some of the losses don’t feel as real because we haven’t experienced the full impact of the change yet. Acceptance can wax and wane over time; that’s normal.

RECOGNIZE THAT ALL LOSSES ARE THE SAME AND EVERYONE DOESN'T GRIEVE IN SAME WAY

Because there have been so many losses over the past year, it is likely that you are not the only person you know who is mourning. Many people have experienced multiple losses. It is neither healthy nor helpful to compare grief. Just because someone is not reacting the same way as you or doing the same things as you to cope, doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it right. What helps for one person may not help for another. If someone you know needs to tell you about a loss they’ve experienced, listen. Don’t assume you know what they’re going through just because you’ve been through a similar loss.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL WHATEVER YOU ARE FEELING

If you need to cry, cry. If you don’t, don’t. Whatever emotional reaction you have is legitimate and okay to express. It is not healthy to “put up a good front” and bottle up feelings. Emotions are not a sign of weakness, they’re a reflection of love. Jamie Anderson, the author of Doctor Who, wrote “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

LEARN TO ADJUST TO A NEW REALITY

A lot has changed over the past year and we need to figure out ways to adjust to the new circumstances of our lives. That may mean a lot of different things. It may mean we need to develop new skills so that we can be better prepared to take on the tasks that lie ahead for us. It may mean that we must seek out new relationships or find different ways of interacting in order to maintain relationships. It may mean that we need to think about ourselves or the world in ways that we never have before. These changes can be very difficult and will take time.

ALLOW YOURSELF THE TIME YOU NEED

Grief is not something that can be resolved in a weekend. Often the reality of the situation doesn’t even begin to sink in for quite some time. For many people, it takes a full cycle of all four seasons and all the holidays before all aspects of the loss are evident. Don’t allow anyone to pressure you to speed things up (e.g., “Aren’t you over that yet?”) if you’re not ready. Similarly, don’t let anyone hold you back when you are ready to move on.

FIND WAYS TO REMEMBER THE PAST WHILE ENGAGING WITH THE PRESENT AND FINDING HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

It is important to find ways of honoring those who have died (or are no longer actively part of our lives for other reasons). They don’t stop mattering to us or having an impact on us. We are challenged to honor their memory and the life they led without sacrificing the ability to move forward in our own lives. Our deceased loved ones would want us to be the best possible versions of ourselves and to lead healthy, fulfilling lives. If your grief is not for a person but for a way of life, the loss of a dream, the loss of a personal identity, or another form of loss, this task is still applicable. Starting a new chapter of your life does not negate the relevance of the chapters that came before. The challenge for you is to incorporate some element of those past ways, identities and dreams into your newly evolving reality. There are countless ways to do this – taking up a cause that positively impacts others, making time to pause and remember, doing something that the person would have done or in the way they would have liked, contributing to a charity or social program. It means continuing to love, to grow, to learn, to laugh and to live.

Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health's Trauma Program Mary Kreitz, LPC, CDCA, is the author of this blog. Mary is an expert in the her field with 18 years of experience. If your child or adolescent is experiencing grief and your family needs coping strategies, please contact C&A at 330-433-6075.

< Older Post Newer Post >

STARK COUNTY SCHOOLS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS

16 Apr, 2024

The sixth annual Stark County Schools Mental Health Awareness Week is May 6-10 Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health (C&A), CommQuest Services and Pathway Caring for Children will partner to bring positive mental health awareness to more than 53,000 students and 7,000 support and administrative staff in all 18 Stark County School districts.

UNDERSTANDING RACE IN SOCIETY AND THERAPY: CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS’ EXPERIENCES

By Chris Alpert • 16 Nov, 2023

In the film, I’m Not Racist… Am I? as introduced and explored in first of this three-part blog post series, the participants engaged in multiple workshops that address race and racism. Interpersonally, the group of students grapple with their own differences and similarities, which impact the content and emotions they share with each other. There are several moments in the film that demonstrate the clear differences in the participants’ understanding of race. In the first workshop, the students were exposed to the idea that all white people are inherently racist seeing as American society was founded on principles meant to support white people (see more on structural racism here, here, and here for further understanding). Several white students in the film became emotional during that workshop. Most students remained quiet. Following this workshop, a black student and a white student were filmed independently of each other in their own homes and discussed the workshop and what they learned with their families. The white student discussed the differences between structural racism and bigotry with her mother and struggled to identify with the principles taught in the training. The black student stated to his mother how almost everything spoken in that workshop applied to him. The student further discussed his feelings by stating how overt racism is and yet how “subliminal” it is at the same time. How can something be so in your face and yet under your feet simultaneously? I immediately reflected on the dialectic of something being so clear and yet so vague. The film continued to grapple with student differences. At the beginning of the film, one white male student discussed with his mother how he feels that all individuals, if they apply themselves wholeheartedly, have the same chance of success regardless of their skin, gender, sexuality or other demographic factors. As a white man myself, I must confess that when I was in high school, I had the same mindset. How could it be different? Especially when I was reading mythic bootstrap literature in high school classes. Sure, the harder you work the more you deserve, but that statement does not work for all Americans. I had not accounted for racial factors that inhibit the growth of others, not to mention socio-economic factors, nationalities, citizenship status, gender and age. I continued to reflect on these statements and connected them to my experience in high school in New York City. In the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement responding to the murder of George Floyd, multiple private progressive schools in New York, including the one I went to, suffered scrutiny from students and alumni who identify as black, indigenous people of color (BIPOC). Multiple Instagram accounts surfaced with the handle “BLACK AT [school name].” I read the posts in 2020, and again before writing this post, and remembered feeling horrified knowing these acts of racism, bigotry and microaggressions happened all around me. This was subliminal to me, yet overt to others.

UNDERSTANDING RACE IN SOCIETY AND THERAPY

By Chris Alpert • 01 Nov, 2023

When I first came to Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health (C&A), I was unsure what to expect regarding race and diversity at both the organization and in Ohio. Having grown up in Harlem in New York City and attended graduate school in San Diego, CA, I had heard stereotypes about Ohio, specifically that Ohio was a very white state. At C&A during orientation, we discussed the role of first impressions for clients and discussed how the front desk staff are considered, “the directors of first impressions.” I loved this term. After orientation, I wondered, why we didn’t discuss demographic factors such as race and gender? We generally pick those up upon first impressions and have implicit biases and judgements in those first impressions. It was odd to me that we did not discuss these demographic factors. As the summer and fall progressed, I noticed that there were few discussions about race as it impacts C&A and the kids and families we serve. I noticed the number of white staff at C&A and reflected on my own privilege as a white man who can easily avoid the discussion of race because I do not suffer discrimination on an individual or systemic level. I reflected on my first experiences discussing race in high school. When I was in high school at the Calhoun School, my father received a grant to create a film and workshops that addressed race and racism seen through the eyes of high schoolers in New York City. My dad had completed a training hosted by the People’s Institute for Survival and Beyond. This training opened my father’s eyes to his own white privilege and motivated him to teach kids, specifically white kids, about their privilege earlier in life. I first saw the film, I’m Not Racist… Am I? (see more here ), toward the end of high school after it had come out in 2014.

THE DANGERS OF MARIJUANA USE

By Dr. Karita Nussbaum • 20 Oct, 2023

Ohio is at a crossroads once again with marijuana on the ballot next month. The following article is from Every Brain Matters, an organization that believes that the THC in marijuana is a dangerous and addictive drug. Every Brain Matters is a trusted source of educational material based on the latest scientific evidence. One of the major criticisms of expanded marijuana legalization is that it makes the drug more accessible to minors. A brand-new study just published in JAMA Pediatrics shows that it has become a valid concern.

LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE – SOUTHERN NIGHTS: ILLUMINATING HOPE AND MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATION

By Savannah Okray • 11 Sep, 2023

For the last few months, C&A has been diligently preparing for the 18th Annual Let Your Light Shine – Southern Nights presented by The Repository by organizing auction items, printing tickets and using their creativity to make sure that eventgoers feel as though they are walking into an evening in the south, with barrels and lanterns to boot. The committee, led by chair Jen Frey and co-chair Molly Sperling and auction chair Stacy Remark are hard at work, it’s crucial to remember that this event raises awareness and dollars to support the agency’s programs and services amid suicide prevention and awareness month.

GROWING WITH YOUR CHILD AS A PARENT

By Dan Mucci • 30 Aug, 2023

I have grown up as a parent for the last four and half years! As luck would have it, a little more than four and a half years ago, I started at Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health (C&A) in the mission advancement department with my responsibilities being the marketing and development coordinator. Some might say, I did a good job of raising my two kids, who were teenagers at the time. But, boy, if I had known of the services C&A offered and even some of the parenting tools for my toolbox, parenting might have been even better.

WHAT DID YOU DID THIS SUMMER?

By Dr. Karita Nussbaum • 09 Aug, 2023

This summer I attended a Marijuana Prevention conference near Denver, Colorado. I was curious to know what the locals were saying after 10 years of legalization. The speakers included a Denver Police Commander, school resource officer, medical doctor, residential treatment program CEO, deputy from the High Intensity Drug Trafficking Area (HIDTA), Executive Director of the National Drug and Alcohol Screening Association and others related to educating the community and defending children’s rights. In the audience were parents, professionals and advocates for children from all over the United States. The conference was geared toward the protection of children.

FROM DARKNESS TO DISCOVERY: MY COLLEGE JOURNEY OF SELF-TRANSFORMATION

By Savannah Okray • 24 Jul, 2023

When I arrived on campus, I tried to immerse myself in college culture. I joined a sorority, the speech and debate team, and two other clubs which were extensive time commitments, factoring in no time to relax or focus on bettering my mental health. This lack of attention to my mentality, combined with my low self-esteem that prevented me from making friends led me down a dark hole in which some days I thought it would be better if I wasn’t here. About four weeks into school (at Ohio University), I realized that I had to do something, as I knew it was not safe for me to continue down the road I had been on. From there I moved home and attended an inpatient treatment center where I worked with counselors for five hours a day, learning coping skills and other ways in which I could help mend my suffering mental health. Through the lessons I learned I was able to get the skill set and help I needed and returned to school three weeks later.

THIS IS WHY WE CELEBATE

By Mary Kreitz • 19 Jun, 2023

This time of year there are a lot of celebrations happening in our communities – Memorial Day, Pride Festivals, Juneteenth celebrations, 4th of July and many more. These events aren’t just frivolous excuses to have parties, backyard barbecues or festivals. They are important cultural and civic events we need these celebrations.